The Desperate Search for Importance

Eventually, every one of us gives in to it. 
The search to be recognized.  The desperate demand to be found important.  To have others see that the actions we take have a magnified effect.

We push out Facebook posts.  That amount to nothing.

We Tweet.  About miniscule aspects of our daily existence.

We Instagram and blog.  In an effort to show that we are doing or thinking something that separates us from everyone else.

We use the power of these magnifiers to prove our worth.

It ends up coming off as a self-important, ego driven mania to be famous.  Because, unfortunately, famous is seen as successful.  Successful is seen as happy.  Happy is seen as better.  And it is better to be famous than not. 

One of my great guilty pleasures is watching Judge Judy.  It astounds me to see the people who will agree to be on her program, however.  Many come with an obvious desire to be on TV.  It's as though this is their "big scene" in life.  Even worse are the Jerry Springer-type shows where people with no apparent idea of the ridicule to which they are being subjected, fight to be "seen" as famous.  As important.  As meaningful. 

This even comes through in regular, everyday meetings.  It becomes clear, in just a few minutes, that some people are proud of their ignorance.  They don't care what they don't know.  They simply desire to be taken seriously so badly that their life is spent in . . . being seen . . . being heard . . . being something important.

Teenagers post images of themselves in activities they will one day wish was not retrievable on line.  People my age often post about themselves truths that they later regret (there is a reason a local divorce attorney's radio ad says the first thing he does in a divorce case is search social media).

Very few of these people do what it takes to become really . . . important. 

In his book, Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning, Viktor Frankel writes:

“Man is originally characterized by his "search for meaning" rather than his "search for himself." The more he forgets himself—giving himself to a cause or another person—the more human he is. And the more he is immersed and absorbed in something or someone other than himself the more he really becomes himself.”  

What is the whole purpose of the way we communicate now?
Is our aim of being noticed, recognized and seen by others as what?

Famous?
Important?
Witty?
Smart?
Wise?

So much effort is put into getting blog hits, getting Facebook notices, getting recognized in some way that we forget to live our lives in a way that, as a natural outcome, demonstrates our importance.  How many people say, write or record themselves saying something provocative, stupid, obscene or dangerous, just to get attention? 

Social media is full of it.  Literally and figuratively.
It seems the goal of millions of us around the world is to "go viral."  Be thought of as so . . . interesting . . . stupid . . . funny . . . significant for just a moment that the whole world takes notice and can't wait to share that image with everyone.  To be famous and to have meaning in our lives becomes an end unto itself.  And we will do anything to achieve it.

And yet, no one who is pursuing that time of significance stops to realize they are quickly . . .laughed at . . . enjoyed . . . used . . . forgotten and the world will move on to the next jester who keeps it's attention for another moment.

In this ever growing drive to become important, we end up killing real relationships - because we present to "friends," readers, watchers, listeners a false image of who we really are.  We want those who see us on Facebook to believe our life is fabulous.  Our office overlooks the ocean.  Our meals are always healthy, appealing and eaten by all of our family members gathered around the table.  Every.  Single.  Evening.  With stimulating conversation that highlights our genius.

In reality, we heated Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for one child, made spaghetti for the other and collapsed in the living room, in front of the tv, with our own tray of leftovers from  . . . who remembers?

If we can be honest with each other, none of this social media persona is real.  And it harms those around us.  Jesus, in Matthew 23 says this about those supposed leaders who desperately wanted to be viewed in a certain way:

23 Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples:

² “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. ³ So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. ⁴ They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. 

⁵ “Everything they do is done for people to see: They make their phylacteries^[a] wide and the tassels on their garments long; ⁶ they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; ⁷ they love to be greeted with respect in the marketplaces and to be called ‘Rabbi’ by others.

¹¹ The greatest among you will be your servant. ¹² For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. 

²⁵ “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. ²⁶ Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. ²⁷ “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. ²⁸ In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. (Matthew 23:1-7, 11-12, 25-28 - NIV)

When we put such effort into getting people to see us living our lives, we actually fail to live our lives at all and are merely acting.  Trying to get someone to notice us.  It reminds me very much of little children who cry "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" over and over in order to get the desired attention.

But Frankel sees the innocence of children as the time when we can best see ourselves in action.  As a time when we can see our worth, our importance.  Our meaning.

“Just consider a child who, absorbed in play, forgets himself—this is the moment to take a snapshot; when you wait until he notices that you are taking a picture, his face congeals and freezes, showing his unnatural self-consciousness rather than his natural graciousness. Why do most people have that stereotyped expression on their faces whenever they are photographed? This expression stems from their concern with the impression they are going to leave on the onlooker. It is "cheese" that makes them so ugly. Forgetting themselves, the photographer, and the future onlooker would make them beautiful.”   Viktor E. Frankel, Man's Search for Ultimate Meaning

Our beauty is found is finding our mission in life, of serving a purpose.  Our ugliness is evident in our push to be recognized.  When we give up the search for being important and, instead, work to find a way to serve others and forget ourselves, that is when we can become needed.  Valued. 

Truly important.

*Now, please forward this along so that I can increase the hits to my blog! :)

*(See, told you that looks ugly!)

Judge Judy and the "B" Word

Judge Judy has long been my guilty pleasure.

I set the DVR to record both 30 minute shows, every time there is a new one.  Then, when the family goes to bed, I watch.  I enjoy her direct questioning, her snap judgments, her ability to get the proper outcome more often than not.

It always seemed to me that the US Supreme Court might be much more interesting and certainly more accurate in its rulings with her "don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining" attitude.  She doesn't put up with punks who try to put one over on her.

Which brings me to the "B" word.

My wife, Teresa, had a small disagreement with several of the young teenagers in our neighborhood.  They wanted to take some of our stuff to the community pool and our son (also a young teen and friends of the other boys) asked her not to allow them to do so.  She made it clear the items were not to leave our yard.

The boys were not happy.  The gathered themselves up and went into the front of the house, huddling with each other in the street, just beyond our sidewalk.

A little while later, our son and his friends decided to go to the community pool where they played - in good spirits for an hour or so.

Because I am the wonderful husband that I am, I let Teresa spend some time mowing the yard (the temperature was only 90 degrees today).  She got much of it done and so (as a wonderful husband does) I came out of the air conditioned house and offered take over.

That is when I saw it.  The "B" word.

At the exact spot where the group of 5 boys had gathered to commiserate about Teresa's refusal to let them take our stuff to the pool was, in big letters, B * * * H.  An arrow pointed directly at our house in case, I suppose, anyone had a question about where the slur was being hurled.  It was marked into the concrete with pecans which had recently fallen from the trees in our back yard.

As soon as I saw the word, I began calling the parents of the boys.  We gathered around the word and asked who wrote it.  To a person, they denied any knowledge of it.  No one knew how it got there.  No one had any idea when it was put there.  Only that it was there and it was bad that someone had written it (since we were trying to make a much bigger point, I did not point out that the person had spelled the word wrong).

For more than 90 minutes we stood around the word, in the street, trying to find a way to get these young men to understand the hatefulness and disrespect of the thought.  To a person, they all denied any knowledge.

It got me thinking about one of Judge Judy's more interesting thoughts:  If a teenager's lips are moving, they are lying to you.

Now, it is possible that I live in a fantasy world.  I fully accept that possibility.  But I do not believe that our 19 year old daughter has ever lied to us.  She has been a great young woman who has endured even greater struggles than most adults will ever experience.  Our son has a good heart, probably tries to mislead us about things like homework but when it comes to matters of real life, I don't believe he has lied to us either.  One day they may confess that they fooled their parents all these years.

Standing around the "B" word we were being lied to by a gang of young men who we have had in our house since they were in the first grade.  Our house has been the neighborhood gathering place - a distinction we take great joy in - for all of these boys.  They drink the drinks we put in the garage refrigerator.  They eat the snacks we have in the pantry.  We even have had them stay for dinner when morning play turned to afternoon, shifted into evening and then past dinner time.  We have been thrilled that they found our house to be a comfortable home-away-from-home for basketball, AirSoft gun fights, bike riding and jumping and video games.

Now, their lips were moving and we could not trust a single word that came from their mouths.  Judge Judy was proven right.

As all of the parents eventually came to our house, we got to the bottom of it.  We know which one wrote the offending word.  We also know that all of them would have been willing to allow an innocent friend to be blamed (which is not a good sign of friendship we pointed out).

The one who has been identified by all of the others as the author of this misspelled slur even came to our door a little later.  He rang the doorbell and just said that he wanted us to be sure we knew he had nothing to do with it (his lips were moving, therefore he was lying).

All of the parents reacted with the appropriate anger.  They wanted to get to the bottom of it and to apply the proper lesson:  we will respect women, we will respect our friend's mother, we will tell the truth even when it is not easy.


But for more than 90 minutes, Judge Judy was front and center:  if something doesn't make sense, it's a lie; if a teenager's lips are moving, they are lying; if two completely opposite statements are made, someone is lying.  All of those came into play in the street in front of our house.

We want these young men to learn about how to become real men.  To respect women - not slander them with vile-intentioned names.  To stand up for a friend when their mother or sister (or other family member) is attacked in some way.  To appreciate that truth means everything in the development of their character and type of men they will be.

One of the dads sent his son home to get a bucket and a scrub brush to wash away the offending word even before determining what role, if any, his son had in the writing.  So the "B" word has gone into the gutter where it belongs.  Now if we can just wash away the memory of the boys looking us in the eyes - parent after parent - and telling us they had no hand in the writing of the word in front of our house.

They need to know that they fooled no one.  We know the truth.  The truth was seen years ago on Judge Judy.